Tag Archives: life coaching

transformation in work and life

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pathway-picIn an organisational context transformation is a process of profound and radical change that orients an organisation in a new direction and takes it to an entirely different level of effectiveness.

Unlike turnaround (which implies implies incremental progress on the same plane) transformation implies a basic change of character and little or no resemblance with the past configuration or structure.

*http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/transformation.html

There are also key elements here that can be applied to our personal lives.

Firstly and importantly there are clear similarities between how people operate in the environment of an office and in there own lives.

So what are these key cross over areas?

Transformation has a certain level of permanency which in is very nature is different to change.

When people decide to make shifts in their own life or of a more general approach in the workplace there is a process that happens. This is known as the trans theoretical change model. Let us look at this and as we do maybe you can apply this to your own life.

Pre contemplation: when it is beyond our awareness that anything needs to change. We may be quite happily (or not) plodding along .The don’t know what you don’t know stage of being and thinking.

Contemplation: When we start to want to change whether that be in the way that we work and interact with people or something more selective and poignant for ourselves in our own life we then contemplate the change.

At this stage there is a self-enquiry as to what isn’t happening for us and what we would prefer things to be like. Things may be so bad that we are forced to look at the situation we are in and can now start to believe that the grass is greener and there must be a better way.

There can also be a passage of time in which many pros and cons are weighed up in what the change would bring and alter in both positive and negative ways.

Preparation: Clearing the decks, setting your house in order and getting ready for the change ahead and the work that is needed in order to make it happen.

We then move into action. In order for things to change it simply isn’t good enough or effective to think about the change. There needs to be an active movement towards creating a pathway and steps to what we want that is aligned with our values, that creates an energy shift and new direction.

We are being active in our own progress and doing not just being.

One of the most important stages of change is then the maintenance stage of the cycle.

You may have started to do things differently, work more effectively and generally be in a different place, which creates a noticing of this change in our lives.

In popular terms it is said that a habit takes 21 days to be embedded within our sub conscious. Whether this is true or whether it takes longer than this it needs to be maintained, worked with and support gained to increase the change to a level of permanency which could also be seen as positive transformation.

When people do not maintain the cycle at this level there can be what is known as a relapse, Back to how things were and the negativity that can rise from this point can set people back.

I also believe there could be shame and guilt thrown in. An inner critical parent that gives us a hard time for not keeping things moving.

People will then either give up and return to old ways or pick up the reigns and get moving again. Back on the horse.

I would also like to mention support at this juncture. We need to trust ourselves and we need to be able to trust others to show the support that we need in alter to transform our lives. Whether than be from our direct managers and peers or key people in our lives that we can share with and talk to. Some may need this more than others but to ask for help when we need it is crucial to maintaining the cycle of change.

The coaching framework is a great nurturing ground for this cycle to be looked at on every level and touch point.

The nature of the empathetic relationship between coach and client or peer can have a remarkable effect on the individual, congruently starting to shift perspective, create new ideas and strategies and also marked steps to reach the desired end goal.

I believe that within organisational structures there needs to be an open dialogue about the frustrations people feel and what the change could bring and how it can benefit not only the individual but also the impact in house on work related issues and concerns.

It is not effective to simply focus on the end result and how this can be reached in typical performance based coaching interactions.

People are emotive beings and if we can adjust to this and allow this to unfold and at the same time have a clear end outcome to strive towards we can help to create transformational shifts for people with empowering and long lasting results.

Getting over procrastination

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I will start this post with a question

What are you avoiding that you know would benefit you in your life?

Within my own experience as a transformational coach I have heard from clients in how they are resisting moving forward in certain areas and yet will happily do so in other aspects of their life that may not have such an impact.

Procrastination is not a unique dilemma and it causes many people a lot of frustration

The question is

Why do people procrastinate?

This could bring about a variety of answers and of course will be contextual to the individual coming to you for coaching and help. I will share my thoughts here and would love to hear your comments and for you to share your own experience on this subject.

Firstly I believe that procrastination goes somewhat deeper than we might first assume.

Why would people avoid doing what they often know would move them forward, create positive change and help shape their futures in transformational ways.

There could be number of reasons

Fear

Fear of being caught out, judged, reprimanded, told off for doing a bad job ,being anything less than perfect, being vulnerable and so much more.

Quite often these are childhood scripts and belief systems that have been picked up and added to in our own development.

Maybe a script of being perfect, don’t be seen or don’t be successful could be playing out which underlies the stuck feelings and procrastination.

Enjoyment

I think that people will generally (and this is a generalisation) spend time doing what they enjoy, what is easiest and what does not raise an emotional reaction from them.

Why would people spend time doing something they don’t want to and raises uncomfortable feelings? – whatever the reason.

Pay offs

When people don’t change and keep themselves where they are, what could they be gaining from this?

Although the behaviour / action or lack of action is not serving people on a conscious level it may well be serving them on a more subconscious platform.

They are possibly getting something from “not doing”

Sometimes people’s values are also beneath the surface or their procrastination.

For example you have a person – lets call him Mr Jones (keeping it simple) who knows that he would love to give a public speech on a topic close to his heart and in fact has the opportunity to do so.

A large audience would be there to see him, a guaranteed coverage from a well known tabloid and an opening of doors that would enhance his career and general financial state.

And yet Mr Jones leaves the preparation until the last minute, he does everything else that won’t help (watching catch up tv, going on the Internet, re arranging his furnishings, talking to his cat) and generally avoiding!

What he might be getting is a feeling of being safe, built into this is fear of “making a mistake” and being seen to “not be good at his job”.. That is far worse in his mind.

The end result is that Mr Jones avoids doing the necessary work involved or leaves it to the last minute – when the pressure is on …

The adrenaline is pumping and he is putting “himself” under pressure. It could also be a sense of control. The end result is not 100% tangible and can not yet be seen or felt.

Why would people trust in something that has no certain outcome? I believe that trust plays a large part in why people stop themselves moving forward.

Lack of trust in others, lack of trust in themselves.

After all who can they rely on?

I will also briefly introduce the self saboteur.

The person who will create drama and anguish for themselves , where in fact there is none.

I have often seen how people before a big event will stay up late, go out drinking, get tired, get unwell and will cancel at the last minute to avoid being seen or ….(fill in the gap)

There are many reasons why people procrastinate…I would like you to question your own motives and of course bring this into alignment to the clients you work with.

Get beneath procrastination not beaten by it. Do share your own stories and comments below.

Developing yourself as a coach

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With the merriment of Christmas now slowly sinking into by gone 2012 and with 2013 ripe around the corner I wanted to share something in the world of coaching that is close to my heart.

I believe that coaching is not just a skill set but also an art form that requires various approaches to be developed into a congruent, person centred and powerful transformational process.

When you learnt to be a “coach” you may have attended a life-coaching course, read books to help in asking questions and on the fundaments of coaching, watched videos and listened to podcasts on the ever increasing world of coaching and its applications and created your own learning in honing your skills as a coach.

To master a skill takes time but also a need exists for you to be on top of your own development.

Within a life coach-training course there is limited time to learn new models, skills and approaches that will need to be practiced out in the world and with clients.

There are a huge variety or approaches within the new world coach that encompasses areas from the worlds of therapy and personal development.

Coaching, as we know by now is not a simple goal setting approach using the out-dated GROW model but is a fluid fusion of skills and techniques that put the client at the very heart of the relationship.

Drawn from the worlds of Cognitive Behavioural coaching, Neuro Linguistic Programming, Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, Somatic coaching and existential theory the coaching tool kit has never been so full.

The challenge here for new coaches and old hat coaches alike is to continue to learn, keep their coaching tools clean and sharp and also remember what tools do which job.

This takes time, energy and practice.

I also believe that a high emotional intelligence is required in order to do the best job possible and part of this will be to get the correct and right amount of support for you as an individual helping others.

This could be to get a coach for your own goals and needs, enlist the help of a mentor within the field of coaching, gain professional development by attending courses, seminars and workshops.

I also advocate getting emotional support when needed to address deeper underlying concerns that will give you clarity on who you are and what you bring to clients in a fully focused and congruent way.

There are a myriad of books on coaching and self-development.

I encourage that you read up on new best practice, strive to keep reading and take what you want and leave the rest.

We can absorb only a small proportion of the huge amount of information that is given to us on a daily basis and through natural ways of filtering information it may not be possible to become a self help  / coaching guru but you will indeed resonate with key parts of books that have emotional meaning for you.

I would also say that no matter how good your skills as a coach are, you also (if required) need to learn about business.

It is fantastic to help people accomplish their dreams but maybe a self-enquiry as to the real reasons you want to do what you do is also useful (Maybe invest in some coaching too)

Have you thought about how much money you would like to make from your coaching?

The key to being a successful coach is to determine what success means to you and creating a vision and plan to obtain this.

Also, we don’t stop learning and with the world of coaching expanding constantly it is up to you to step into your fullest potential.

I wish you every success for 2013 and look forward to connecting with you and sharing more from the world of Transformational Coaching.

Fear and Strokes within coaching

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When you coach clients they will often have a feeling of being stuck within a coaching session. They may have been trying to change for some time and actually already know what they want to accomplish.

This can be a good starting point for a coaching conversation that can help people to get clear on what the change will mean to them and also what the impact could of this in bigger life terms.

When clients start to intrepidly step outside of their comfort zones or situations that are familiar to them this can be a time of uncertainty, which can bring up a host of thoughts and feelings that can also be overwhelming for people to deal with.

The interesting part of this is that people want change but this can bring about fear even if the change would lead people into a better place and more positive way to live.

Quite often clients will also come with black and white views on how things “should” be based on their filters of experience along with other thought biases such as ignoring the positive, scanning for what they fear, over thinking, fortune telling, mind reading and more. (These are based on Cognitive Behavioural coaching approaches)

Through these filters people can create a fear of change that could be grounded in past experience

The key words here are past experience.

It may not always be relevant to what is happening now and also not based on reality but rather a perception of it. It could be a feeling of I wont be able to cope with the change, as I am not equipped to deal with it either emotionally or intellectually.

This is where you can come in as a coach to explore with your client what the change would mean to them but also to help examine and explore on deeper levels where the resistance is that is stopping them taking steps into what they want.

Is it fear of something going wrong and not being able to cope? or is it that they will have to give up something that they are holding on to?

People like to feel that they exist. When we look at the ways people create this feeling of existence there is a very interesting part of coaching that brings into the mix transactional analysis and specifically strokes.

What is a stroke?

Based on TA pioneered by Eric Berne a stroke is an act of recognition of our significance.

Also to add to this it is the thing we spend much of our time unconsciously seeking.

They help us feel alive!

There are eight qualities within strokes.

  • Verbal and non verbal
  • Positive and negative
  • Conditional and non conditional
  • Self and others

A very interesting stroke is that of self. Imagine you have had a very stressful busy week, many appointments at work back to back; you have been pushed for time and chasing your tail to get things done – not just for you but also for others. Maybe not eating properly or adequately resting.

You have wanted to do more for yourself, relax more and give yourself time to wind down.

Because of this not being achieved you could berate yourself with negative self-talk – beat your self up metaphorically and give yourself a hard time for not putting yourself first and start to be judgemental on yourself through negative self talk.

This could be seen as a negative – verbal self-stroke.

Does this sound familiar?

This very dynamic can also be highlighted within coaching sessions where people are talking to themselves in negative ways that stop them moving forward in their life bur are gaining a feeling of although it is negative I know I exist. Which is better than being ignored and not seen.

Of course it could also be a host of other things such as limiting beliefs, counter injunctions and so much more.

The key to being a useful coach in this respect is to really understand the client’s perception of things and coach where it will have the most impact.

Understand the clients fear and what meaning they are giving it – how are they fuelling this and could there be another way for them to view the situation, one that is less negative and more empowering?

Above all it is about curiosity into the clients life and world rather than being and what isn’t working for them.

Next time you coach don’t rush into the solution but allow the client to say what is really happening and coach ahead from that.

transformation and your own learning as a coach

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Today I would like to share my own thoughts and experience in learning and how to bring this to clients.

When people learn a new skill to help others I believe there is an element of transformation that will be two fold.

Transformation for the clients that come to you for coaching, and also transformation in your own life that can enrich what you do and who you are in exciting ways.

I can cast my mind back to many different training courses that I have been on where I have learnt new skills and tools that whilst I am in the learning domain on the day can be exciting and purposeful but become diluted and less impactful after the event.

Whilst adding to my skill sets in personal development and coaching is not a bad thing in itself I also feel that to have the most impact personally I need to on some level connect with the learning that has taken place and part of this will be a certain self enquiry in to my own cognition, feelings and emotions and proceeding actions and behaviours that have shifted in light in what I have learnt.

What is the most useful part of the new experience and how can this be appropriately brought into my own client practice when coaching?

I also see this, as a bit of a balancing act that I need to be aware of. Not to bring my own agenda to the client – coach session that could impact the coaching exchange in negative ways.

I like to see my own learning as a container of experience that can sit comfortably in my conscious awareness that does not need to be discussed in front of a client.

I am not the benchmark of my client’s experience. I am just an explorer in their world and when underpinned by curiosity and connection can alleviate my need to get it right and be perfect.

I also do not need to fix the client in anyway.

Coaching is a wonderful and elegant exchange of conversation that is best served with meaning with a side dish of purpose.

A smorgasbord of richness and experience in my client’s world that is fully person centred and congruent with a strong belief from me that the client I am working with is not broken.

If I deliver a solution or fix the clients “apparent” challenge, who is this about?

I am also not going to be black and white here in saying that there aren’t times that this could be useful as there could be a great deal of frustration felt by the client if I am coaching them into dead ends when a simple suggestion or a well framed amount of advice could help them move ahead and with greater clarity.

I see time and again how people on our Personal Transformation Coaching course have had heart felt shifts on meaning, experience and I have had feedback that I have “seen” myself clearly for the first time in my life.

The conditioning from parenting is being questioned, some of what people continually do with less than desirable results may start to change and also the need for validation and approval from clients will start to shift into one of trusting the process and not needing to get a feel good from my clients changes but rather a deeper routed acceptance of my capabilities as a transformational coach.

When you are out in the world creating change ask yourself what can I learn and how can this be useful to others.

 

Time management for coaches

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One of the key areas of concern that will often raise a question to existing coaches is that of time management.

I will cover this in a number of ways today that I hope you find useful and that you can start to apply to your own practice and client work.

Firstly a start up question I would like to ask you is

Do you have “enough” time or are you spending time avoiding what you don’t like or feel confident in?

This is not time management as such but quite often (I can relate to this myself when I started out) a question that gained a real insight for me in to what I was potentially avoiding and why.

How can you change this?

So, now we turn our attention to the actual session of coaching.

I have often found that this an area that can raise different arenas of challenge for coaches.

It may be that you find sessions are overrunning in terms of time. Initially you have set a time slot for your coaching, whether that be an hour or thereabouts and you see that the session has overrun substantially.

What has led to this?

I see that at times clients will want to share what is on their mind and want to off load and talk. This is useful but at times can also create a question mark for you as the coach. When do you start to coach them and bring them back on track?

Firstly how is allowing them to “talk” useful to them without you needing to create the next steps or an action plan.

It may be that you feel you need to work on a set in stone outcome. Do you?

Framing the session and setting the scene

When I meet clients I will have already established through an initial discovery session why they have come to me for coaching, and what they are looking to gain from this, so that the actual time spent with my client in the first session is focused on the desire change.

I also say that “ today we have an hour – what is it you would like to gain from todays session”

This sets the scene and also enables a focus on time up front. I have found this very useful when working with clients.

Checking in

Rapport and connection is very important within coaching and by always checking the time can not only break rapport but also be quite irritating for clients!

That said it is important to keep track of where you are and what time you have left.

Not only for you but also the client may have further appointments after your time together in the session.

A watch placed to the side of you whilst you coach can be useful. If you are using a mobile phone make sure it is switched to silent! This also sets the boundaries and focus of the session in terms of time.

Emotions and time

How are these linked?

In my experience of transformational coaching I have sometimes observed that as the session is drawing to a close the client will bring to the coaching table an emotional subject that means the most to them.

At first I wondered what I wasn’t doing properly or to the best effect. When I questioned this I realised that clients could also be avoiding the most “emotional” areas of their life and throwing it in at the last minute.

How do you do you deal with this?

I would firstly acknowledge it and not just “ignore” it but also say that today this isn’t something that can be explored or resolved but that you are very happy to bring this into the next session.

You may want to also explore why this was not brought up earlier? This can prove very useful for clients to link this to deeper levels of meaning and provide great coaching material for future sessions.

Managing your own time

Rather a narrative here I thought it useful to keep it very simple (as I know that coaches can also overcomplicate things)

Prepare for your session – both practically and emotionally

Don’t allow time pressures to creep up and before you know it you are rushing around trying to get things ready for your session.

Coaching slots

If you are working maybe full or part time alongside building a coaching practice then you may want to allocate a coaching day or evening rather than be available whenever you are asked from clients – this can also look good from a scarcity point of view and showing that you have clients on going.

Time for you

Part of being a coach is to help people in their lives. Whatever this means to them. As in other fields of work that involve helping others do allow time to do what you enjoy that will give your life balance and fulfilment. Whatever that means to you.

 

mix and match in coaching

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With the complexity of clients and what they bring to coaching there is also a need for you as the coach to be flexible with the way you coach and the experience that you bring to a session.

A common thread in a lot of my posts is that coaching does not always need to bring in just a typical goal setting approach and tasked based formulae to helping people achieve outcomes, but can through coaching style conversations bring clarity, purpose and meaning to clients in their life.

I also see coaching as a dedicated art that needs to be practiced to hone the skill of being a coach.

Also the need to coach congruently, confidently and with the client at the centre of the dialogue is desired.

It is also true to say that depending on what the client brings to a session will determine the way you coach.

This may mean that you do work with smart goals to allow exploration of all the key points of the goal.

The key point here is that if we just focus on goal setting when other areas need to be uncovered and explored then we are not only not coaching ineffectively at times but actually not giving the client the best experience.

The core transformation for individuals may not be typical coaching questions in how are you going to get to your goal but what is getting in the way at present?

I have coached top executives in corporate settings that at first want to ”just” focus on the problem at hand and what isn’t working but also want to get a quick fix in getting better results for the business whether that be higher turnover, more profit or other areas of concern.

In fact one client said categorically that he didn’t want to talk about emotions.

Did this happen?

At first we looked at what he wanted to change in terms of his business and what this would mean to him and started to formulate very specific goals and how he would be able to measure success in his own way and words.

The coaching then took on a different energy when I asked if you know this to be what you want and what could help why aren’t you doing this already?

This is where we started to go beneath the surface of the goal and look at values of the company but also we started to look at my clients individual values in terms of his place as company director. This also brought into the mix limiting beliefs.

It was deemed through exploration that my client was striving for “perfection” his map of the world demanded this and when asked where has this come from? The clients’ parenting was brought into the equation.

How his father had given him messages as a child that you have to be perfect to succeed.

This was a task too much and a benchmark that caused my client to transfer the being perfect script onto peers and colleagues.

People were rebelling (a bit like resistant children to a critical parent) and key work tasks were not being completed and things were not getting done.

Staff were turning up late or not at all and the general atmosphere was negative and unproductive.

The useful part of this coaching session was that my client had a shift in perspective in how a deeply rooted belief system was getting in the way and causing issues.

I worked with my client to not change his values but to understand how his belief system was creating limitations for him. We worked on changing his limiting belief with a wonderful and powerful tool to help this happen.

The end results were that he was more realistic with himself in achieving success – he said a weight had been lifted (that he had been carrying since childhood) and the way he would work with his staff would be to get to know them more and to understand their drivers, motivations and values.

Part of this was to later bring in actions and accountability to these actions but the session was (as you can see) not just goal setting.

In subsequent sessions we reviewed progress and his staff morale was much better, sickness had decreased by 50% and targets being achieved were 6% higher, which increased bottom line profit.

The key to this transformation was that we did look at more personal areas of the client’s life but linked them to the goal at hand. The goal was not the fundamental milestone. Although we needed to start with this initially.

This was a very useful experience for my client and emotions were discussed but with purpose, confidence and skill to make them relevant to the client and their situation.

The next time you are coaching be flexible with your approach, understand what is required and trust yourself to work in the best way. “for your client”

 

Who are you as a coach?

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The very nature of coaching allows people to bring to you as the coach an area of life that they would like to change, improve or step into.

Rarely will a client come to you if they are not stuck in some way (why would they!)

It isn’t always an emotional based coaching session that looks at values and beliefs but can also be a task based approach to coaching and this will also be determined by your own niche as a coach. Who you “choose” to work with and help.

Some people may need to talk more and get out into the open any frustrations that are holding them back for living life better and getting what they truly want.

Others may come to you to get a specific and highly measurable outcome and the focus of the session will be to help them set goals, maybe work on a task based action plan in between sessions and bring these actions back to further sessions to share what has been achieved and also what hasn’t.

Either way choice comes in to the equation.

Choice for you as the coach in the way that you work and what your approach will be with individuals.

Who you want to work with, also to choose what would brings you the most satisfaction and purpose as a coach.

Equally you will at times need to choose which direction a coaching session takes. Not to lead it into a specific area or to coach people in to dead ends that will have no meaning for them but also to be self reflective in the “way” you coach.

Do you need to be more exploratory and less directive? Are you allowing enough space in the session for open discussion that could have a great deal of impact for the client or is the session more task based and goal orientated with options and actions taking precedent over exploration into the clients world.

What impact is this having?

In my own experience I have seen time and time again people come to sessions to achieve a very static goal and they see this as what they want and require from me as the coach.

To me this is very acceptable but also I have found in many situations that people will not be achieving what they set out to do to their own limitations and believes.

If coaching was all about just goals then this could look over the fact that clients are emotive beings.

I do remember a wonderful client who came to the session ultra prepared and was very proactive in achieving what she set out to do. I didn’t need to get “deeper” into emotions but a task-based approach did work.

How I chose to coach was in my hands and nothing was either good nor bad some question I asked myself were

  • What would best serve my client?
  • What outcome could I be looking for that is not required?
  • How would this style of coaching be most useful?
  • What could I be overlooking here and now?
  • Do I trust myself?
  • What has the client come to me for / how is this changing?
  • Can the outcome be “measured”?
  • How would my client benefit from this “style” of coaching?
  • What needs to change?
  • How would this be useful?
  • Am I trying to be perfect – do I risk making mistakes?

I had choice….

Next time you coach ask yourself the same question, get out of your own way if needs be choose how you coach and see what happens.

Building trust in coaching

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What are some of the key elements in coaching?

This can be answered by many different responses. Maybe simple questions, holding space, active listening, using coaching models, reflection, clarification, feedback and so much more.

A very important part of the session and how you interact and connect with your client will be in the area of trust.

Trust is a core element of creating connection with your client, allowing open and honest discussions from both sides and also allows the client to feel safe and to talk about what they need to and not what they really feel they should be talking about.

How do you gain trust?

Interestingly is this something that needs to be gained or do you allow for trust to be there on your first interaction with the client?

My view is that trust starts to be created the very moment you meet a potential client. At this moment you are building rapport.

I often here coaches “selling” themselves and their products far too soon without really getting to know what the client wants and how they would benefit by working with you as their coach.

When I have worked with clients I listen to what they want to know, tell them what they want to hear and fill in any gaps in knowledge that are pertinent to them.

This allows a natural rapport without it being forced and can start to build the trust that is so important within coaching interactions and future sessions.

This however should be maintained. Simple ways of doing this could be

  • Deliver what you promise whether this be in follow up notes, actions that you have agreed to undertake as their coach and being prepared for the session in advance and being on time and ready to coach.
  • Show empathy and be supportive in the session
  • Outline clearly how you work as a coach and bring into the equation a contract agreement in how you work, what you expect but also and very importantly what they can expect of you.
  • Make sure to not judge the client’s views, opinions or beliefs but rather explore with them any areas of difference that could be more useful for them to open up and look at with your help.
  • Trust that the client is not broken but could be operating more or less effectively in any given moment.
  • This comes from person centred theory that is the lynchpin of transformational coaching.
  • Allow them to make mistakes, revel in triumph, take risks and explore their goals, desires and aspirations.
  • Be ok with not being ok yourself. You really do not need all the answers but are simply an explorer in the client’s world.
  • Above all trust yourself!

You may not know the best model to use or the most powerful question to ask but allowing yourself to be open to the experience of the coaching and working with your client in a way that allows for real and authentic interactions has in my experience been the best way forward.

Answers do come, models appear when needed and you may get a sense of what needs to happen and the most useful and purposeful question to ask.

This is not about being perfect but willing to take risks and remove your own agenda.

Trust the process.

Shining a light on shame

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I was thinking today about the next topic of my post and was sifting through my archived stories, client work and own experience to come up with something meaningful and poignant.

What struck me was commonalities between clients in what stops them moving forward.

Also in how they perceive themselves through internal filters which are often distorted and self-defeating.

In this post we will have a look at the topic of shame, as I see it in relation to coaching and the struggles that people will bring with them in these areas.

What is shame?

Shame underpins people’s lives in different degrees and at different times and can be powerful, toxic and destructive.

It can show up in many different guises and more often than not can be a catalyst  for behaviour that has negative results and this in itself can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle. Especially when we look at compulsive behaviours and addictions, which clearly highlights the shame cycle.

People will initially ‘act” out on there feelings of low self worth to somehow make themselves feel better. They reach outside of themselves  to change how they feel.

The key here is that in its initial stages of this cycle there is a  positive intention for dealing with uncomfortable feelings, anxiety, stress and much more. The cycle takes on a different form when the negative consequences outweigh the positive intent. This is also the cycle of addiction in its purest form.

The key energy and emotion for people that I have worked with in these areas is that of shame.

Shame is a self-statement of I am not good enough. I am a bad person.

It is self-judgement based on feelings of  low self worth and added to by how people behave, what they do and how they view their own dysfunctions.

This notion of self-judgement can feed on itself and before long people can be (in my experience) racked with feelings of shame that can have a powerful effect in their lives.

It can cause great distress and feed into other emotions such as anxiety and depression.

Within addictions it represents itself in the pattern but shame is not exclusive to this area.

It can also show up in isolated incidents that tap into peoples deep-rooted feelings of being less than or being exposed.

The challenge here can be uncovering the shame.

A bit like a monster hiding in the dark. There may be fear of exposing it. It could have devastating consequences for the person involved. This can be fear based and also not grounded in truth but a perception of it.

The core way that we can help people in dealing with these feelings and emotions is allowing them to talk about what is concerning them in a supportive, encouraging, safe and structured environment that the coaching session creates.

The very nature of opening up allows people to cut through binds of shame and also exposes the monster in the dark.

Once we allow people to talk about what they do, how they do it and also how they view themselves in this regard  it can have a diffusing effect on shame.

The fact that they have been able to share what they really want to without judgement from you is a starting point for allowing people to move ahead with renewed confidence. A leap of faith may be required!

Even if the journey is paved with challenge and unexpected experiences along the way. You will be helping your clients to break down the walls of shame.

Not by fixing them or providing a solution but by allowing them to be themselves in any given moment without fearing reprimand.

Trust yourself and be ok with your client not being. This can have powerful results and create transformation.