Tag Archives: life coach

7 ways to be amazing as a coach

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this-is-only-potential

How do you know you are doing a good job when you are coaching?

This can be a sense or feeling that you get from the responses shown to you by the client.

It could be feedback that you have actively sought from the client in how they have benefited from being coached by you or you may have a variety of ways to ascertain the value you have added to the clients experience and in their life.

I thought today I would share with you 7 ways to be an amazing coach. This is directly from my own experience and I have found these extremely useful in my career

1. Learn your skill

This may sound very obvious but I believe that coaching should be an eloquent, creative expression of who you are through what you do.

This will mean learning the fundaments of coaching in its original form and the subsequent evolution and varied models, applications and theoretical knowledge of coaching. There is also no replacement for practicing what you learn. A life coach-training course will put you in a good position for this first point. Life coaching is not just about setting goals, not giving advice and there are definite cross overs between coaching and counselling.

2. Practice

Again this may sound a little grandma suck eggs! I don’t however mean just in the confines of the coaching session.

I mean to have coaching conversations with people you meet in your daily interactions, this can greatly enhance communication, and people will feel valued and listened to.

Do not have a set outcome from the conversation (unless you desire that) but merely create a shift in how you may have been communicating. This will hone your skill, create an observational quality to how you do what you do and what can stay and what can be changed or adapted.

3. Have a beginners mind

With the massive array of personal development opportunities available in todays society you may come to coaching with a rich plethora of knowledge and experience in moving forward in your own life and helping others.

I would advocate keeping an open mind with anything you learn, adapt what you learn if needs be, take what you want and leave what you don’t and don’t be an expert in the client’s life – they are. You are a facilitator of transformation not the creator and owner of it.

4. Be ok with your own vulnerabilities – be real

You have got to where you are in life through your life experience and knowledge. This does not need to be hidden away in any place that shame can manifest and grow but has uniquely shaped who you are and what you bring to a session.

Through this sense of being real, fallible and authentic you can have a wondrous sense of connection with those that you coach. You don’t need to reveal what you have done or overcome but it will be felt on an intuitive level.

5. Take risks

Through the act of taking risks comes creation, opportunity, growth and movement.

When you embark upon a new venture in your life is the outcome always certain or set in stone?

Do you feel a fear that is present from this dynamic of not knowing? This may be the case but I would say that in order to move forward both with your own life and also client practice you need to jump in and try new things, be open to getting it wrong and being aware of any self depreciating messages that arise in the form of unwanted voices that may tell you that you are not good enough to do this or the job at hand.

6. Be on top of your own learning

How many people do you know that have been on a course where the emotional connection has been real whilst they are in the training room but may be lost in the day to day slug of life afterwards?

A question. How many self-developments books do you own at home that have remained dusty on the shelf?

Learning is an ongoing state whether that be text book learning or through our own life experience.

I strongly advise that you read books (from beginning to end) on coaching, attend inspirational seminars, watch videos and practice. You need to keep on top of developments within the coaching world.  Also prescribe to magazines and coaching journals that will be able to help you in this field.

7. Get support

I do not agree that we need to be a shining example of guru status to be a coach. I believe that we need to be real and this will mean that at times we will also have down days, black clouds and periods of time that we need to get our own support. Whether that be a good talk with a friend over coffee or a more therapeutic intervention that will give us grounding and help us through these periods, I see it is essential to reach out when you need to and in the direction of the right people and places.

Do what you need to do to be amazing.

 

Getting over procrastination

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I will start this post with a question

What are you avoiding that you know would benefit you in your life?

Within my own experience as a transformational coach I have heard from clients in how they are resisting moving forward in certain areas and yet will happily do so in other aspects of their life that may not have such an impact.

Procrastination is not a unique dilemma and it causes many people a lot of frustration

The question is

Why do people procrastinate?

This could bring about a variety of answers and of course will be contextual to the individual coming to you for coaching and help. I will share my thoughts here and would love to hear your comments and for you to share your own experience on this subject.

Firstly I believe that procrastination goes somewhat deeper than we might first assume.

Why would people avoid doing what they often know would move them forward, create positive change and help shape their futures in transformational ways.

There could be number of reasons

Fear

Fear of being caught out, judged, reprimanded, told off for doing a bad job ,being anything less than perfect, being vulnerable and so much more.

Quite often these are childhood scripts and belief systems that have been picked up and added to in our own development.

Maybe a script of being perfect, don’t be seen or don’t be successful could be playing out which underlies the stuck feelings and procrastination.

Enjoyment

I think that people will generally (and this is a generalisation) spend time doing what they enjoy, what is easiest and what does not raise an emotional reaction from them.

Why would people spend time doing something they don’t want to and raises uncomfortable feelings? – whatever the reason.

Pay offs

When people don’t change and keep themselves where they are, what could they be gaining from this?

Although the behaviour / action or lack of action is not serving people on a conscious level it may well be serving them on a more subconscious platform.

They are possibly getting something from “not doing”

Sometimes people’s values are also beneath the surface or their procrastination.

For example you have a person – lets call him Mr Jones (keeping it simple) who knows that he would love to give a public speech on a topic close to his heart and in fact has the opportunity to do so.

A large audience would be there to see him, a guaranteed coverage from a well known tabloid and an opening of doors that would enhance his career and general financial state.

And yet Mr Jones leaves the preparation until the last minute, he does everything else that won’t help (watching catch up tv, going on the Internet, re arranging his furnishings, talking to his cat) and generally avoiding!

What he might be getting is a feeling of being safe, built into this is fear of “making a mistake” and being seen to “not be good at his job”.. That is far worse in his mind.

The end result is that Mr Jones avoids doing the necessary work involved or leaves it to the last minute – when the pressure is on …

The adrenaline is pumping and he is putting “himself” under pressure. It could also be a sense of control. The end result is not 100% tangible and can not yet be seen or felt.

Why would people trust in something that has no certain outcome? I believe that trust plays a large part in why people stop themselves moving forward.

Lack of trust in others, lack of trust in themselves.

After all who can they rely on?

I will also briefly introduce the self saboteur.

The person who will create drama and anguish for themselves , where in fact there is none.

I have often seen how people before a big event will stay up late, go out drinking, get tired, get unwell and will cancel at the last minute to avoid being seen or ….(fill in the gap)

There are many reasons why people procrastinate…I would like you to question your own motives and of course bring this into alignment to the clients you work with.

Get beneath procrastination not beaten by it. Do share your own stories and comments below.

Developing yourself as a coach

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With the merriment of Christmas now slowly sinking into by gone 2012 and with 2013 ripe around the corner I wanted to share something in the world of coaching that is close to my heart.

I believe that coaching is not just a skill set but also an art form that requires various approaches to be developed into a congruent, person centred and powerful transformational process.

When you learnt to be a “coach” you may have attended a life-coaching course, read books to help in asking questions and on the fundaments of coaching, watched videos and listened to podcasts on the ever increasing world of coaching and its applications and created your own learning in honing your skills as a coach.

To master a skill takes time but also a need exists for you to be on top of your own development.

Within a life coach-training course there is limited time to learn new models, skills and approaches that will need to be practiced out in the world and with clients.

There are a huge variety or approaches within the new world coach that encompasses areas from the worlds of therapy and personal development.

Coaching, as we know by now is not a simple goal setting approach using the out-dated GROW model but is a fluid fusion of skills and techniques that put the client at the very heart of the relationship.

Drawn from the worlds of Cognitive Behavioural coaching, Neuro Linguistic Programming, Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, Somatic coaching and existential theory the coaching tool kit has never been so full.

The challenge here for new coaches and old hat coaches alike is to continue to learn, keep their coaching tools clean and sharp and also remember what tools do which job.

This takes time, energy and practice.

I also believe that a high emotional intelligence is required in order to do the best job possible and part of this will be to get the correct and right amount of support for you as an individual helping others.

This could be to get a coach for your own goals and needs, enlist the help of a mentor within the field of coaching, gain professional development by attending courses, seminars and workshops.

I also advocate getting emotional support when needed to address deeper underlying concerns that will give you clarity on who you are and what you bring to clients in a fully focused and congruent way.

There are a myriad of books on coaching and self-development.

I encourage that you read up on new best practice, strive to keep reading and take what you want and leave the rest.

We can absorb only a small proportion of the huge amount of information that is given to us on a daily basis and through natural ways of filtering information it may not be possible to become a self help  / coaching guru but you will indeed resonate with key parts of books that have emotional meaning for you.

I would also say that no matter how good your skills as a coach are, you also (if required) need to learn about business.

It is fantastic to help people accomplish their dreams but maybe a self-enquiry as to the real reasons you want to do what you do is also useful (Maybe invest in some coaching too)

Have you thought about how much money you would like to make from your coaching?

The key to being a successful coach is to determine what success means to you and creating a vision and plan to obtain this.

Also, we don’t stop learning and with the world of coaching expanding constantly it is up to you to step into your fullest potential.

I wish you every success for 2013 and look forward to connecting with you and sharing more from the world of Transformational Coaching.

Who are you as a coach?

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The very nature of coaching allows people to bring to you as the coach an area of life that they would like to change, improve or step into.

Rarely will a client come to you if they are not stuck in some way (why would they!)

It isn’t always an emotional based coaching session that looks at values and beliefs but can also be a task based approach to coaching and this will also be determined by your own niche as a coach. Who you “choose” to work with and help.

Some people may need to talk more and get out into the open any frustrations that are holding them back for living life better and getting what they truly want.

Others may come to you to get a specific and highly measurable outcome and the focus of the session will be to help them set goals, maybe work on a task based action plan in between sessions and bring these actions back to further sessions to share what has been achieved and also what hasn’t.

Either way choice comes in to the equation.

Choice for you as the coach in the way that you work and what your approach will be with individuals.

Who you want to work with, also to choose what would brings you the most satisfaction and purpose as a coach.

Equally you will at times need to choose which direction a coaching session takes. Not to lead it into a specific area or to coach people in to dead ends that will have no meaning for them but also to be self reflective in the “way” you coach.

Do you need to be more exploratory and less directive? Are you allowing enough space in the session for open discussion that could have a great deal of impact for the client or is the session more task based and goal orientated with options and actions taking precedent over exploration into the clients world.

What impact is this having?

In my own experience I have seen time and time again people come to sessions to achieve a very static goal and they see this as what they want and require from me as the coach.

To me this is very acceptable but also I have found in many situations that people will not be achieving what they set out to do to their own limitations and believes.

If coaching was all about just goals then this could look over the fact that clients are emotive beings.

I do remember a wonderful client who came to the session ultra prepared and was very proactive in achieving what she set out to do. I didn’t need to get “deeper” into emotions but a task-based approach did work.

How I chose to coach was in my hands and nothing was either good nor bad some question I asked myself were

  • What would best serve my client?
  • What outcome could I be looking for that is not required?
  • How would this style of coaching be most useful?
  • What could I be overlooking here and now?
  • Do I trust myself?
  • What has the client come to me for / how is this changing?
  • Can the outcome be “measured”?
  • How would my client benefit from this “style” of coaching?
  • What needs to change?
  • How would this be useful?
  • Am I trying to be perfect – do I risk making mistakes?

I had choice….

Next time you coach ask yourself the same question, get out of your own way if needs be choose how you coach and see what happens.

Shining a light on shame

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I was thinking today about the next topic of my post and was sifting through my archived stories, client work and own experience to come up with something meaningful and poignant.

What struck me was commonalities between clients in what stops them moving forward.

Also in how they perceive themselves through internal filters which are often distorted and self-defeating.

In this post we will have a look at the topic of shame, as I see it in relation to coaching and the struggles that people will bring with them in these areas.

What is shame?

Shame underpins people’s lives in different degrees and at different times and can be powerful, toxic and destructive.

It can show up in many different guises and more often than not can be a catalyst  for behaviour that has negative results and this in itself can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle. Especially when we look at compulsive behaviours and addictions, which clearly highlights the shame cycle.

People will initially ‘act” out on there feelings of low self worth to somehow make themselves feel better. They reach outside of themselves  to change how they feel.

The key here is that in its initial stages of this cycle there is a  positive intention for dealing with uncomfortable feelings, anxiety, stress and much more. The cycle takes on a different form when the negative consequences outweigh the positive intent. This is also the cycle of addiction in its purest form.

The key energy and emotion for people that I have worked with in these areas is that of shame.

Shame is a self-statement of I am not good enough. I am a bad person.

It is self-judgement based on feelings of  low self worth and added to by how people behave, what they do and how they view their own dysfunctions.

This notion of self-judgement can feed on itself and before long people can be (in my experience) racked with feelings of shame that can have a powerful effect in their lives.

It can cause great distress and feed into other emotions such as anxiety and depression.

Within addictions it represents itself in the pattern but shame is not exclusive to this area.

It can also show up in isolated incidents that tap into peoples deep-rooted feelings of being less than or being exposed.

The challenge here can be uncovering the shame.

A bit like a monster hiding in the dark. There may be fear of exposing it. It could have devastating consequences for the person involved. This can be fear based and also not grounded in truth but a perception of it.

The core way that we can help people in dealing with these feelings and emotions is allowing them to talk about what is concerning them in a supportive, encouraging, safe and structured environment that the coaching session creates.

The very nature of opening up allows people to cut through binds of shame and also exposes the monster in the dark.

Once we allow people to talk about what they do, how they do it and also how they view themselves in this regard  it can have a diffusing effect on shame.

The fact that they have been able to share what they really want to without judgement from you is a starting point for allowing people to move ahead with renewed confidence. A leap of faith may be required!

Even if the journey is paved with challenge and unexpected experiences along the way. You will be helping your clients to break down the walls of shame.

Not by fixing them or providing a solution but by allowing them to be themselves in any given moment without fearing reprimand.

Trust yourself and be ok with your client not being. This can have powerful results and create transformation.

Bridging gaps in coaching

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In todays post I would like to share my thoughts on the idea of bridging gaps within coaching.

In fact not just in coaching but also other areas for when you work with clients and people who are looking for change and transformation within their life.

A great example of this concept is within personal and romantic relationships.

Many people would say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or get into any form of personal relationship.

To make this clear I would like to introduce Mr Do-nothing who to be honest does not value himself very highly, is lacking in confidence and also not very experienced and knowledgeable in matters of the heart.

If you were to say to Mr Do-nothing you “have” to love yourself first before you can get into a relationship imagine the dilemma.

This is a man who has low self esteem (years of bullying at school didn’t help) a man who has few friends or social interaction (not because he doesn’t want to but he has little self confidence)

A man who is crippled with anxiety and depression (at times) but one thing he does know he doesn’t “love” himself. In fact he doesn’t actually like himself very much at all.

From this state to one of loving himself may seem a tall order.

Surely it would be a better approach to help Mr Do-nothing to start to learn to like himself? To create stepping-stones to get further ahead in his life. To start to see himself differently and in more empowering ways than he is currently. We can help our Mr (and Mrs) Do-nothings bridge this gap.

The same concept would apply when we are dealing with performance based coaching. If a staff member is not achieving what the manager requires we need to have an honest approach when working with this individual. They may not be able to turn from low performer to high performer overnight.

We as the coach can bridge the gap in helping them “get better”.

This could be a skills gaps, a confidence boost or motivation, or simply for someone to pay them attention in different ways that could be more empowering and positive.

How can we best motivate others to move forward “towards “optimal living or performance?

We need to support, encourage, challenge and ask purposeful and powerful questions that help our clients think differently. This can be a process of self-discovery for people that come to us for help.

The truth of the matter is that when we coach we need to understand that we may not transform people’s lives in one session (although I am not saying that this cant happen).

What we do is to create a space for exploration and ultimately help people move towards what they desire.

This can be slowly or quickly but will materialize if we work with our clients best intentions at heart and keep this in mind with any coaching sessions that we undertake.

Through our coaching conversations, goal based approaches when required and using our skills and knowledge we can help create a hypothetical bridge from their current state or situation to where they want to be.

It is our role as change creators to allow this to happen for the people we work with.

Try and test out in coaching

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When we work with clients regardless of what we are helping them with there will come a time that a lot has been talked about, problems openly shared and a clarity gained on where the client is at in terms of their life goals and what they want from working with you.

First and foremost we need to let the client have the space to discuss what they need to, what is pertinent to them and allow them to talk without needing to change the story or situation.

The nature of this is useful for the client to felt understood, acknowledged and heard.

We then as coaches might need to bring the client back to why they came to coaching in the first place, to keep them on track with what they wanted to change, achieve or create.  Of course as transformational coaches we know that goals shift and more can be revealed during the coaching session.  We also need to be flexible with this happening.

We can then start to help the client move forward towards achievement of what they want for themselves.

This could be in a goal setting approach that brings about actions or a more fluid coaching conversation that creates awareness and more clarity for the client.

Whichever route we take with clients and however we are coaching an important part of the change process is starting to discuss what things would be like or could be like once they have improved or changed.

How will they know things are different? Is it the way they talk to themselves, the impact of this change on others and their relationships and what is the measurement of difference?

The key here is to bring in ownership from the client in how they manage the change, what would be a more resourceful way to be living and the impact in doing things differently.

There can also be an element of testing it out.

You may resonate with the idea that just talking about it isn’t going to change it. Coaching will quite often bring a new clarity into place and sometimes a light bulb moment shows it self within the session. The realization from the client in how they have been living.

When I coach I also want the client to learn from this new awareness and test things out for themselves.

As you may have heard if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got.

In order to get different results you need to do things differently.

The wonder of coaching is that these differences in thinking, actions, and behaviour can then be visited in subsequent sessions with your client to find out what has changed for them? What have they learnt from this and how can this be built upon as a resource to accomplish more of what they want?

The client needs to be at the centre of his or her own development and learning.  Future posts will look at this as key concept to working holistically with clients.

For now don’t be afraid for the client to take responsibility and ownership of their goals and desires.

10 key questions to kick start your coaching

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For those in the know and for those who are interested in the field of coaching one of the key parts of gaining results and helping people to fundamentally transform their lives will be asking simple and purposeful questions.

There isn’t a rulebook of questions that needs to be adhered to or a cheats guide in how to do this.

Once you have established rapport with a client, built on the trust that is on going and essential for coaching to be useful you will need to then work with the client in establishing an arena for change and what they want to gain from working with you.

I have put together 10 key questions that are simple to deliver, purposeful in their aim and allow the client to reflect on what they would like to see change in their life and also lead into further questioning.

Also and very importantly it allows the client to feel the impact of what your coaching could give them in positive ways.

What area of your life causes you the most frustration?

Coaching is best served at the level of most impact, which is where life isn’t “working” for the client, where they might feel stuck or not sure where to go next and how you as the coach can help.

What do you have some of that you would like more of?

This question hones in on the positive aspects of the clients life, it also allows time for them to reflect on how gaining more of the “good stuff” could be useful for them.

If this time next year nothing had changed in your life how would that be for you?

The idea is that people sometimes will resist change (even though things can get bad for them) and by looking at the consequences of not changing this can be a start in the client taking responsibility for how they could be doing things better or differently

If you were operating at your best what could change for you?

Again this looks at the impact of change, utilising resources and the client stepping into their full potential

What do you need to start taking responsibility for your life?

This is a direct and provocative question that can seem quite challenging. The idea sitting behind it is one of ownership. The coaching relationship is about empowerment and bringing about an adult communication, which will frequently produce an element of the client taking responsibility for their choices and actions or indeed non-action. i.e. not doing.

Is there anything in your life that you really want that no one yet knows?

Quite often the very nature of coaching allows the client an unspoken permission to share what they truly desire, what they are passionate about and what they would love to have – even though they may dismiss it as being rather silly or unimportant

What is stopping you living the life you really want?

This is a key exploratory question that can bring up all sorts of answers from the client. It then starts to create a picture of what they see is their problem, whether that be old and withered beliefs that are still hanging on or other key areas that are limiting the client

Imagine you were living the life you want to, what would be in it?

This is bringing in a hypothetical approach to coaching. This can often bypass the negativity that I am sure you know too well and that can surface in coaching sessions with clients and in ordinary conversations of course!

If you were name one thing that gets in your way what is this?

This narrows the focus of the mind, allows the client to get clarity and get focused, which of course can then be built up on and opened up again – this is especially useful for a client who just sees everything as always awful.

Knowing what you know about yourself what are you overlooking that could be useful?

This is an interesting question, it also positions the client as the expert in their life (which of course they are) it will either give you a real insight from the client in how they see themselves or may throw up more to work with – either way it creates a great opportunity for coaching to happen!

This list is not a compulsive tick box approach to coaching and is not exhaustive.

The main part of questions is that they are purposeful, simple and with intention on finding out more from the client.

Good luck and would be great to hear how you get on…

Parental messages in coaching

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I was thinking today how people live their lives and the way they do this is quite often based upon the messages that they would have received from parenting.

Within coaching sessions these messages come out in the way that people can self-sabotage what they set out to do and achieve.

This is quite often subconscious and automatic and through coaching we can help people understand in what ways they could be doing this, where this comes from and importantly help them to move forward from some of these self defeating patterns.

A very interesting part of transformational coaching is looking at the realms of Transactional Analysis.

Many people will know the book the games people play by Eric Berne, which brought the idea of TA to the modern world.

Within one part of TA it looks at the idea of injunctions.

What are these?

Simply put they are messages that we will pick up on as children, which are also communicated non-verbally from our parents.

They are unconscious and felt rather than verbalised and conscious. These can be very powerful and also the way we live our lives as adults can also be based on these early messages.

There are in total 12 injunctions that create a way of living.

  1. Don’t be or don’t exist
  2. Don’t be you
  3. Don’t be a child
  4. Don’t grow up
  5. Don’t make it
  6. Don’t (Don’t do anything)
  7. Don’t be important
  8. Don’t belong
  9. Don’t be close
  10. Don’t be well or don’t be sane
  11. Don’t think
  12. Don’t feel

You may be able to think about some of your own life situations that the above could apply to. This will be no different for clients who come to you as their coach looking for change.

Through coaching conversations within sessions and with clients you as the coach will pick up many of these themes.

This can provide a great place for exploration with your client. You can also be very open with these concepts with clients and ask them how they could be living their lives based on some of the above injunctions.

This is not to say that the client will not have other areas to work on but using the list above can give a real insight into their world and how they could be limiting their potential and actually living their lives based on old patterns and messages from parenting.

TA provides a fascinating area for exploration with clients and can also bring about a huge awareness for them.

In future posts I will share more in these areas.

The next time you find yourself falling into a pattern is it possible that you are tapping into one of these injunctions?

 

Time Travel in Coaching

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In coaching there are many questions that raise a hypothetical awareness to a session. In other words we ask questions to a client that look at the potential of achievement and what this could be like for them.

The goal hasn’t yet been reached, the outcome not yet achieved and the client will still be looking at what they have to do in order to get what they want to.

A useful and in my experience very powerful technique for helping someone “experience” the future as if they have already achieved it is called future pacing.

This comes from the world of Neuro Linguistic Programming and can be used as the next step once the initial and desired outcome has been talked about and decided upon from the coaching session.

The first time I tried this technique I did say to myself this is just a bit crazy and won’t really be useful.

I was sure that my client would think it was just too way out for them to really buy into the experience.

As I became more experienced at coaching and helping people transform their lives I started to believe in my abilities to make a difference and believed that the client would get good results.

This approach has always worked and I make sure I go into the session prepared and confident in what I am doing.

To make it clear I will break the process down step by step.

1. Have the client describe their outcome in sensory-specific detail and with the date they will have it. What are they seeing, hearing, feeling etc?

2. Identify locations in the room that represent that present and the future time when they have the outcome

3. Walk the client out to the future location and have them recall the outcome in detail

4. Have them look back at the last step they took and ask what they last step they had to take was to get to their present location.

5. Once they have described that step, make notes of it and ask them to step into that last place.

6. Then repeat the process step by step to the present.

7. Ask what the client got from that journey and then coach from the results

It is a very useful technique that works with the unconscious mind and will install that the client has already achieved what they had set out to do.

The key is that you as the coach look back at the past situation using a past tense in the words and questions used and that the situation as it is now that it has been achieved is talked about in the present tense.

This encourages the unconscious mind to trust the process and believe in what is happening.

To me this is like time travel for the mind and the clients that I have worked with in this way have loved the exercise and very importantly got amazing results in hugely positive ways.

Is it time travel? No of course not but it may well be the next best thing in helping someone to achieve what they want to.