Who are you as a coach?

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The very nature of coaching allows people to bring to you as the coach an area of life that they would like to change, improve or step into.

Rarely will a client come to you if they are not stuck in some way (why would they!)

It isn’t always an emotional based coaching session that looks at values and beliefs but can also be a task based approach to coaching and this will also be determined by your own niche as a coach. Who you “choose” to work with and help.

Some people may need to talk more and get out into the open any frustrations that are holding them back for living life better and getting what they truly want.

Others may come to you to get a specific and highly measurable outcome and the focus of the session will be to help them set goals, maybe work on a task based action plan in between sessions and bring these actions back to further sessions to share what has been achieved and also what hasn’t.

Either way choice comes in to the equation.

Choice for you as the coach in the way that you work and what your approach will be with individuals.

Who you want to work with, also to choose what would brings you the most satisfaction and purpose as a coach.

Equally you will at times need to choose which direction a coaching session takes. Not to lead it into a specific area or to coach people in to dead ends that will have no meaning for them but also to be self reflective in the “way” you coach.

Do you need to be more exploratory and less directive? Are you allowing enough space in the session for open discussion that could have a great deal of impact for the client or is the session more task based and goal orientated with options and actions taking precedent over exploration into the clients world.

What impact is this having?

In my own experience I have seen time and time again people come to sessions to achieve a very static goal and they see this as what they want and require from me as the coach.

To me this is very acceptable but also I have found in many situations that people will not be achieving what they set out to do to their own limitations and believes.

If coaching was all about just goals then this could look over the fact that clients are emotive beings.

I do remember a wonderful client who came to the session ultra prepared and was very proactive in achieving what she set out to do. I didn’t need to get “deeper” into emotions but a task-based approach did work.

How I chose to coach was in my hands and nothing was either good nor bad some question I asked myself were

  • What would best serve my client?
  • What outcome could I be looking for that is not required?
  • How would this style of coaching be most useful?
  • What could I be overlooking here and now?
  • Do I trust myself?
  • What has the client come to me for / how is this changing?
  • Can the outcome be “measured”?
  • How would my client benefit from this “style” of coaching?
  • What needs to change?
  • How would this be useful?
  • Am I trying to be perfect – do I risk making mistakes?

I had choice….

Next time you coach ask yourself the same question, get out of your own way if needs be choose how you coach and see what happens.

Building trust in coaching

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What are some of the key elements in coaching?

This can be answered by many different responses. Maybe simple questions, holding space, active listening, using coaching models, reflection, clarification, feedback and so much more.

A very important part of the session and how you interact and connect with your client will be in the area of trust.

Trust is a core element of creating connection with your client, allowing open and honest discussions from both sides and also allows the client to feel safe and to talk about what they need to and not what they really feel they should be talking about.

How do you gain trust?

Interestingly is this something that needs to be gained or do you allow for trust to be there on your first interaction with the client?

My view is that trust starts to be created the very moment you meet a potential client. At this moment you are building rapport.

I often here coaches “selling” themselves and their products far too soon without really getting to know what the client wants and how they would benefit by working with you as their coach.

When I have worked with clients I listen to what they want to know, tell them what they want to hear and fill in any gaps in knowledge that are pertinent to them.

This allows a natural rapport without it being forced and can start to build the trust that is so important within coaching interactions and future sessions.

This however should be maintained. Simple ways of doing this could be

  • Deliver what you promise whether this be in follow up notes, actions that you have agreed to undertake as their coach and being prepared for the session in advance and being on time and ready to coach.
  • Show empathy and be supportive in the session
  • Outline clearly how you work as a coach and bring into the equation a contract agreement in how you work, what you expect but also and very importantly what they can expect of you.
  • Make sure to not judge the client’s views, opinions or beliefs but rather explore with them any areas of difference that could be more useful for them to open up and look at with your help.
  • Trust that the client is not broken but could be operating more or less effectively in any given moment.
  • This comes from person centred theory that is the lynchpin of transformational coaching.
  • Allow them to make mistakes, revel in triumph, take risks and explore their goals, desires and aspirations.
  • Be ok with not being ok yourself. You really do not need all the answers but are simply an explorer in the client’s world.
  • Above all trust yourself!

You may not know the best model to use or the most powerful question to ask but allowing yourself to be open to the experience of the coaching and working with your client in a way that allows for real and authentic interactions has in my experience been the best way forward.

Answers do come, models appear when needed and you may get a sense of what needs to happen and the most useful and purposeful question to ask.

This is not about being perfect but willing to take risks and remove your own agenda.

Trust the process.

Shining a light on shame

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I was thinking today about the next topic of my post and was sifting through my archived stories, client work and own experience to come up with something meaningful and poignant.

What struck me was commonalities between clients in what stops them moving forward.

Also in how they perceive themselves through internal filters which are often distorted and self-defeating.

In this post we will have a look at the topic of shame, as I see it in relation to coaching and the struggles that people will bring with them in these areas.

What is shame?

Shame underpins people’s lives in different degrees and at different times and can be powerful, toxic and destructive.

It can show up in many different guises and more often than not can be a catalyst  for behaviour that has negative results and this in itself can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle. Especially when we look at compulsive behaviours and addictions, which clearly highlights the shame cycle.

People will initially ‘act” out on there feelings of low self worth to somehow make themselves feel better. They reach outside of themselves  to change how they feel.

The key here is that in its initial stages of this cycle there is a  positive intention for dealing with uncomfortable feelings, anxiety, stress and much more. The cycle takes on a different form when the negative consequences outweigh the positive intent. This is also the cycle of addiction in its purest form.

The key energy and emotion for people that I have worked with in these areas is that of shame.

Shame is a self-statement of I am not good enough. I am a bad person.

It is self-judgement based on feelings of  low self worth and added to by how people behave, what they do and how they view their own dysfunctions.

This notion of self-judgement can feed on itself and before long people can be (in my experience) racked with feelings of shame that can have a powerful effect in their lives.

It can cause great distress and feed into other emotions such as anxiety and depression.

Within addictions it represents itself in the pattern but shame is not exclusive to this area.

It can also show up in isolated incidents that tap into peoples deep-rooted feelings of being less than or being exposed.

The challenge here can be uncovering the shame.

A bit like a monster hiding in the dark. There may be fear of exposing it. It could have devastating consequences for the person involved. This can be fear based and also not grounded in truth but a perception of it.

The core way that we can help people in dealing with these feelings and emotions is allowing them to talk about what is concerning them in a supportive, encouraging, safe and structured environment that the coaching session creates.

The very nature of opening up allows people to cut through binds of shame and also exposes the monster in the dark.

Once we allow people to talk about what they do, how they do it and also how they view themselves in this regard  it can have a diffusing effect on shame.

The fact that they have been able to share what they really want to without judgement from you is a starting point for allowing people to move ahead with renewed confidence. A leap of faith may be required!

Even if the journey is paved with challenge and unexpected experiences along the way. You will be helping your clients to break down the walls of shame.

Not by fixing them or providing a solution but by allowing them to be themselves in any given moment without fearing reprimand.

Trust yourself and be ok with your client not being. This can have powerful results and create transformation.

Motivating clients

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As a coach part of our role will be to help people to move towards an outcome within the session and overall time that they spend with you.

You may have the go-getter within a session that doesn’t need a huge amount of us motivating them to move forward and they are committed to action and will often display keen progression in between sessions.

What about the person who is constantly negative and is full of pity and the world is an awful place? You know the ones right?

How do we begin to help them change, what can we do to create motivation within the client?

There are a number of key self-enquiry questions that I want to facilitate here. This is about you and can be very useful to help understand yourself better as a coach.

  • Firstly are “you” trying too hard to get them to a place that would mean success for you?
  • Is the client giving you good feedback within a session that somehow you are not hearing or believing?
  • How could you be colluding with their stories, life scripts and dramas?
  • What are you not allowing to happen?
  • When you think of timings are you going into the action and next steps too quickly because you feel you “should” and somehow this may feel better for you?
  • What have you tried that hasn’t worked?
  • What have you not tried?
  • How could the client need to be motivated?
  • When can you confidently say you understand their map of the world?
  • What is the client afraid to lose or give up from changing?
  • If they were to stay the same, what are they gaining?

The key is to explore with the client on all levels what could be happening for them.

Tools of the trade.

  • Perceptual positions
  • Reframing techniques
  • TA work
  • Creative visualisation
  • Future pacing
  • STAR
  • SPACER

In fact any thing that could work.

The key to allowing the client to change is sometimes in allowing them to come out of their head and their negative thought patterns. To allow them to change state to start to think of a better way to be doing things.

Also remember know how and resources. Forgotten accomplishments, untapped motivation from past events of achievement an to map these across to their current challenge or goal.

The key and most important part of this post today is to know your craft. To know what tools you have available to help and not being afraid to merge these skills into a seamless fluid coaching session.

What are you not doing that “you” could be today to help you help your client?

Fear busting

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I want to share with you my practical experience within the world of transformational coaching in helping people move ahead in their life without fear or manageable amounts of it.

Fear is one of the most recognised emotions that will stop people moving forward and when I talk to clients out in the coaching world it is understood as getting in the way of what is uniquely desired.

It is also an emotion that can bring about a certain anticipation of doom and gloom just in the word itself.

People will come to a life coaching session looking to fundamentally change how they are living and what they are doing that could also include behaviours that could be impinging their success and keep them trapped in negative cycles.

When I ask clients what stops you moving forward? The most common sticking point is that of fear.

What is fear?

Fear is just a word in itself and as with many of these words we give them meaning.

Fear is nebulous, chaotic and can also be mysterious in its very nature. The other important point to make is that it lives and breeds in the dark recesses of our subconscious and quite often in our imagination and will often based on past events that we have internalized and projected into the future.

If we think of these memories as small containers within our physiology neatly packaged and boxed up with a label marked do not open until…(insert the date here)

When we are faced with a situation in the present this box can be opened and the fear can seep into our bodies and minds like toxic poison that can disarm us, cause us to become rooted to the spot in a paralysed way and create a real physiological response.

I am sure you have experienced the fear tremors, the gurgling insides, the knotted and twisted sensation like a coiled up snake nestling at the pit of your stomach.

They don’t call it the flight or fight response for nothing. The mind is then affected and catastrophizing, ignoring any positives, mind reading, overgeneralising and other distorted thoughts can crop up and before we know it we have avoided, procrastinated and nothing changes.

We run (quite often in the other direction) or we may stay – but either way has anything really changed for us.

We may stay in the same relationship, the mundane job, and keep ourselves small and less than based on our fear response.

When we help people to move forward from this we firstly want to unpick the fear.

  • Where has this come from?
  • When was this actually true for you? (We can measure reality against this)
  • How is this impacting you?
  • What is the worse thing that could happen?
  • When you think about this how would you cope?
  • Do you think other people also think as you do?
  • Imagine you were them what could you do to help yourself move forward?
  • Where in your life are you not in fear?
  • How is this?
  • What can you learn and who can help you learn it?

These questions are not exhaustive and you may choose to bring in other techniques to help. Whether that be EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Creative visualisation, CBC (Cognitive behavioural coaching) or other tried and tested approaches

We do not want to be afraid of letting someone experience what scares them, to have an open and safe space to allow our client to share what they want to and feel supported and encouraged without needing for it to be fixed or changed by us.

We also need to see our client sitting opposite us as not tapping into inner resources that could help them sail the stormy waters of fear. They have the boat and the sails to help (in terms of life experience, other peoples support and adequate tools to get through)

They may just have forgotten to use them and in fact turned a bit rusty with lack of use.

As a transformational coach we help people find their power, the light that can shine onto the dark recesses of fear and bring about a certain consciousness to it and bring it out into the open.

In fact once this is done it might not seem so scary after all!

Bridging gaps in coaching

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In todays post I would like to share my thoughts on the idea of bridging gaps within coaching.

In fact not just in coaching but also other areas for when you work with clients and people who are looking for change and transformation within their life.

A great example of this concept is within personal and romantic relationships.

Many people would say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or get into any form of personal relationship.

To make this clear I would like to introduce Mr Do-nothing who to be honest does not value himself very highly, is lacking in confidence and also not very experienced and knowledgeable in matters of the heart.

If you were to say to Mr Do-nothing you “have” to love yourself first before you can get into a relationship imagine the dilemma.

This is a man who has low self esteem (years of bullying at school didn’t help) a man who has few friends or social interaction (not because he doesn’t want to but he has little self confidence)

A man who is crippled with anxiety and depression (at times) but one thing he does know he doesn’t “love” himself. In fact he doesn’t actually like himself very much at all.

From this state to one of loving himself may seem a tall order.

Surely it would be a better approach to help Mr Do-nothing to start to learn to like himself? To create stepping-stones to get further ahead in his life. To start to see himself differently and in more empowering ways than he is currently. We can help our Mr (and Mrs) Do-nothings bridge this gap.

The same concept would apply when we are dealing with performance based coaching. If a staff member is not achieving what the manager requires we need to have an honest approach when working with this individual. They may not be able to turn from low performer to high performer overnight.

We as the coach can bridge the gap in helping them “get better”.

This could be a skills gaps, a confidence boost or motivation, or simply for someone to pay them attention in different ways that could be more empowering and positive.

How can we best motivate others to move forward “towards “optimal living or performance?

We need to support, encourage, challenge and ask purposeful and powerful questions that help our clients think differently. This can be a process of self-discovery for people that come to us for help.

The truth of the matter is that when we coach we need to understand that we may not transform people’s lives in one session (although I am not saying that this cant happen).

What we do is to create a space for exploration and ultimately help people move towards what they desire.

This can be slowly or quickly but will materialize if we work with our clients best intentions at heart and keep this in mind with any coaching sessions that we undertake.

Through our coaching conversations, goal based approaches when required and using our skills and knowledge we can help create a hypothetical bridge from their current state or situation to where they want to be.

It is our role as change creators to allow this to happen for the people we work with.

Letting go

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Today I was sitting thinking about coaching and some of the challenges that coaches face when they work with clients. Not just this but also the challenges that clients will bring to a session to work with their coach on.

One thing that struck me was the concept of letting go.

In many areas of self and personal development the idea of letting go is widely used and recognized.

I would like to take this opportunity to share my own ideas of what this could mean within the world of coaching.

This is two fold – firstly for the coach and also for the client.

I have noticed at times coaches feeling that somehow they are solely responsible for any results within coaching sessions and they can subconsciously drive the session to these results.

The coach may have an idea of what success means in terms of helping people to move forward to desired outcomes and achievement of goals.

The coaching session will go through different stages of self-inquiry for the client and they will talk about what it is that is bothering them, what they would like to change and what this could mean for them and the bigger impact of change in their life.

When we can truly flow with the client and the session the need for a set outcome can dissolve and we are then working on a very person centered level and allowing the learning for the client to be truly about them and not what we think they should be doing to get results.

The ebb and flow of the coaching session takes on an air of elegance and a rhythm that is unique to the individual we are working with.

We can measure our success as coaches on what results the client is getting and their personal shifts as they go through the process of the session and not on what “we” are looking for as success.

We need to let go of getting it spot on perfect or seeing our value as coach on what we think the client should be achieving but rather see and feel what is presented to us from the people we work with and take on board what they have gained from the experience.

The client will also be letting go within a transformational session.

They will let go of their versions of reality where there life is not serving them any more, let go of limiting beliefs to be replaced with more positive empowering beliefs and also let go of negative behaviors that keep them stuck and unhappy to be replaced with more purposeful ones.

The process of letting go for both the coach and the client is based on trust and rapport within the session.

Allowing the session to unfold naturally without due concern with exactly and how the end result will be.

When you next coach take these ideas into the session and see what happens for both you and your client.

Try and test out in coaching

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When we work with clients regardless of what we are helping them with there will come a time that a lot has been talked about, problems openly shared and a clarity gained on where the client is at in terms of their life goals and what they want from working with you.

First and foremost we need to let the client have the space to discuss what they need to, what is pertinent to them and allow them to talk without needing to change the story or situation.

The nature of this is useful for the client to felt understood, acknowledged and heard.

We then as coaches might need to bring the client back to why they came to coaching in the first place, to keep them on track with what they wanted to change, achieve or create.  Of course as transformational coaches we know that goals shift and more can be revealed during the coaching session.  We also need to be flexible with this happening.

We can then start to help the client move forward towards achievement of what they want for themselves.

This could be in a goal setting approach that brings about actions or a more fluid coaching conversation that creates awareness and more clarity for the client.

Whichever route we take with clients and however we are coaching an important part of the change process is starting to discuss what things would be like or could be like once they have improved or changed.

How will they know things are different? Is it the way they talk to themselves, the impact of this change on others and their relationships and what is the measurement of difference?

The key here is to bring in ownership from the client in how they manage the change, what would be a more resourceful way to be living and the impact in doing things differently.

There can also be an element of testing it out.

You may resonate with the idea that just talking about it isn’t going to change it. Coaching will quite often bring a new clarity into place and sometimes a light bulb moment shows it self within the session. The realization from the client in how they have been living.

When I coach I also want the client to learn from this new awareness and test things out for themselves.

As you may have heard if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got.

In order to get different results you need to do things differently.

The wonder of coaching is that these differences in thinking, actions, and behaviour can then be visited in subsequent sessions with your client to find out what has changed for them? What have they learnt from this and how can this be built upon as a resource to accomplish more of what they want?

The client needs to be at the centre of his or her own development and learning.  Future posts will look at this as key concept to working holistically with clients.

For now don’t be afraid for the client to take responsibility and ownership of their goals and desires.

Coaching into corners

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As a practicing coach, someone with an interest in coaching or for those who just are at the stage of starting with clients and taking those first intrepid steps, I wanted to share what I see is a common challenge in the world of coaching.

Clients will come to a coaching session with their complex lives, beliefs, values and so much more.

This is where coaching can help people to unpick how they are doing things, how they are thinking and behaving and where they are not getting the results that they desire.

So far so good.

Within the art of coaching there are key skills that the practiced coach will need to bring in with client work, which includes simple and purposeful questioning, learning centered listening and holding space for the client to talk about what they need to and what they want to improve or change.

Again this is all good so far.

Where coaches can trip up is by asking too many questions and unpurposeful questions that have no meaning for the client. Also for many there can be the idea that as a coach it is their job to get results, make sure that these can be seen in the session and that any pain or frustration is removed entirely from the clients life.

I remember when I was coached (way back in the dusty old days before coaching had taken on transformational approaches).

I had been trying to work on a hazy goal of getting fitter. I was aware that I was not happy with my lack of fitness in my life and wanted this to change.

Where would coaching have the best impact? In transformational coaching we would firstly find out what getting fitter could mean, how this would impact the client and also what is the stuckness that is preventing them from changing.

There could be a number of reasons for not moving forward according to the client that could include fear of change, fear of rejection, not knowing where to start, impact on time and so much more.

However the coach immediately sprang into action and said how can you get fitter? What can you do? What options do you have to get there? What will you do? And the classic coaching question, what else?

The “what else’ question was fired at me from all angles and I felt hemmed in, unable to move with the coaching spotlight glaring at me from all sides.

I felt coached into a corner with no escape.

Was this useful?

At first take up yes. However after a full round of what else I became increasingly frustrated and dismissive of the coaching process.

The feeling I had was not being helped and supported but rather interrogated into trying to come up with a new way of thinking and possible ways to achieve what I wanted to.

Here is the deal breaker. I didn’t know what else I COULD do!!

This was not useful and I felt that in fact the coach had not understood my pain and frustration but merely wanted to by pass this in order to get to a result for them.

Sometimes what else can be useful but this in my opinion is one of the most overused two words in coaching.

It simply isn’t useful to coach in this way, which can break rapport, lead the client into frustration and get them banging their head against walls trying to come up with options to please the coaches agenda and leave the session with a nice tidy action plan.

What else has its place and this place needs to be worked into a coaching session along with the finding out firstly how the client is operating from their map of the world and what leaves them feeling stuck and unable to operate in the most optimal way for them.

We want to help clients experience the journey and their lives in all their complicated journey, not simply coach them into corners.