Fear and Strokes within coaching

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When you coach clients they will often have a feeling of being stuck within a coaching session. They may have been trying to change for some time and actually already know what they want to accomplish.

This can be a good starting point for a coaching conversation that can help people to get clear on what the change will mean to them and also what the impact could of this in bigger life terms.

When clients start to intrepidly step outside of their comfort zones or situations that are familiar to them this can be a time of uncertainty, which can bring up a host of thoughts and feelings that can also be overwhelming for people to deal with.

The interesting part of this is that people want change but this can bring about fear even if the change would lead people into a better place and more positive way to live.

Quite often clients will also come with black and white views on how things “should” be based on their filters of experience along with other thought biases such as ignoring the positive, scanning for what they fear, over thinking, fortune telling, mind reading and more. (These are based on Cognitive Behavioural coaching approaches)

Through these filters people can create a fear of change that could be grounded in past experience

The key words here are past experience.

It may not always be relevant to what is happening now and also not based on reality but rather a perception of it. It could be a feeling of I wont be able to cope with the change, as I am not equipped to deal with it either emotionally or intellectually.

This is where you can come in as a coach to explore with your client what the change would mean to them but also to help examine and explore on deeper levels where the resistance is that is stopping them taking steps into what they want.

Is it fear of something going wrong and not being able to cope? or is it that they will have to give up something that they are holding on to?

People like to feel that they exist. When we look at the ways people create this feeling of existence there is a very interesting part of coaching that brings into the mix transactional analysis and specifically strokes.

What is a stroke?

Based on TA pioneered by Eric Berne a stroke is an act of recognition of our significance.

Also to add to this it is the thing we spend much of our time unconsciously seeking.

They help us feel alive!

There are eight qualities within strokes.

  • Verbal and non verbal
  • Positive and negative
  • Conditional and non conditional
  • Self and others

A very interesting stroke is that of self. Imagine you have had a very stressful busy week, many appointments at work back to back; you have been pushed for time and chasing your tail to get things done – not just for you but also for others. Maybe not eating properly or adequately resting.

You have wanted to do more for yourself, relax more and give yourself time to wind down.

Because of this not being achieved you could berate yourself with negative self-talk – beat your self up metaphorically and give yourself a hard time for not putting yourself first and start to be judgemental on yourself through negative self talk.

This could be seen as a negative – verbal self-stroke.

Does this sound familiar?

This very dynamic can also be highlighted within coaching sessions where people are talking to themselves in negative ways that stop them moving forward in their life bur are gaining a feeling of although it is negative I know I exist. Which is better than being ignored and not seen.

Of course it could also be a host of other things such as limiting beliefs, counter injunctions and so much more.

The key to being a useful coach in this respect is to really understand the client’s perception of things and coach where it will have the most impact.

Understand the clients fear and what meaning they are giving it – how are they fuelling this and could there be another way for them to view the situation, one that is less negative and more empowering?

Above all it is about curiosity into the clients life and world rather than being and what isn’t working for them.

Next time you coach don’t rush into the solution but allow the client to say what is really happening and coach ahead from that.

Living without attachment

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Today I was sitting down reflecting on my own life and what I had still to achieve and decided that this wasn’t clear to me.

I started to panic and  wonder why not, what had to change and what I could do to obtain clarity.

Then it became clear that maybe I didn’t need to know! There in itself was the clarity I needed!

Out in the world and certainly with the surge in personal development there is a great emphasis in attaining peace, happiness and inner fulfilment.

There are articles written on these subjects, feel good quotes like never before shared across social media channels, different techniques introduced to weary souls, life style changes to adopt and ways to create these pinnacles of self enlightenment.

There is also an undercurrent of non-acceptance in anything that could be deemed as negative or not working towards a better outcome in some way.

I do believe in certain ways to self improve but also believe that there is also a great deal to be said in embracing the unknown and uncertain.

When people are unhappy they will frequently think of ways to change this. To come up with a solution and strive to make things better.

The very nature of which can be counter productive. The more that people focus on what isn’t working the more the inner battle can rage and this can increase the frustration and unhappiness that people are trying to avoid in the first place.

What needs to change?

Firstly I think that when people are faced with an unhappy or rocky stage in their life a question is does this need to be fixed or can I accept how things are for now.

It is in this acceptance that there can be a peace of mind and relaxation. In order to feel differently you have to do something some might say. To get in a better place, change the way you think or look ,feel differently and act better.

I don’t agree that this is the always the answer. The media world also creates a road to being whole and pure, almost like a spiritual cleansing.

To eat well, behave well and be well.

There is nothing wrong with this in its self but to live authentically and to do what you want (or not) based on your truest self is maybe a different approach that is not based in fear or guilt for being anything less than perfect.

Whatever this means to you.

If you think about how much there is out in the world that gives you messages to improve your life, be whole and spiritual is it any wonder that you doubt your imperfections, your flaws and weaknesses and above all your vulnerability.

I highly recommend being ok with exactly who you are right now, not doing anything other than be you, Be true to who you are and don’t create a pedestal for yourself that will have you crashing down in a crumpled frustrated pile if you fall from it.

Enjoy your life as it is in all its complicated glory.

Transformational Tip – Creating Presence

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In coaching circles you may have heard of presence and the need to build this into sessions and with clients.

I will share with you my experience in creating presence and give you some simple to work with tips.

What is presence?

Presence is being fully available to the client, allowing the client to experience his or her own concerns and behaviors in the moment knowing that you are there to support them.

How does presence help?

It creates a safe place for the client in which they feel supported and understood, This in turn builds trust and leads to a deeper sense of rapport with your client.

Presence increases flow of communication – the client will open up and be willing to talk openly and honestly in their current challenges and circumstances and can also bring about a greater clarity for the client in what they would like to work on and ultimately achieve in their life.

It allows for genuine exploration of where they are right now in relation to the desired outcome.

By being present in the session for your client they are more likely to be open to new ways of doing things, question their own thoughts and self-judgments and trust that they can achieve a new more positive direction and focus for what they truly want.

It also builds a sense of understanding – possibly non verbal, a sense of knowing even if no words are exchanged and you are not trying to fit the client into a particular model of coaching.

Creating presence in the session

  • Be curious with yourself and the client.What is happening for them? I wonder why they just said that? –
  • Being in touch with your own desire to know and find out can build presence.
  • Center yourself through body posture – get comfortable not uncomfortable.
  • Breathe! Feel your feet grounded on floor; be aware of surroundings and any possible interruptions to the flow of the coaching.
  • Use eye contact in session, re cap but allow for silence and processing from client.
  • Don’t jump in and fix! Be there for your client not for you.
  • Do not risk bringing your own agenda to the session you are coaching the client not the other way around!
  • Display confidence and empathy through positive tonality and powerful questions – even if they are very simple.
  • Be comfortable with space unfilled in conversation – you might feel that they have not understood what you have just asked them but why not wait and find out.
  • Question your own reasons for saying/ doing what you are – is it in the best interests of your client? What does it mean to them? How does this best serve the client and the reason for them coming to me for coaching.

Practicing presence in your daily life can have a very useful impact within coaching sessions.

Connection and awareness of what is going on around you. A general curiosity for people. Be the silent observer of people in daily life.Notice body language, words exchanged and bringing about a general curiosity for how people interact with one another and also how they are “talking”

See how this can transform your interactions and results.