Monthly Archives: December 2012

Getting over procrastination

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I will start this post with a question

What are you avoiding that you know would benefit you in your life?

Within my own experience as a transformational coach I have heard from clients in how they are resisting moving forward in certain areas and yet will happily do so in other aspects of their life that may not have such an impact.

Procrastination is not a unique dilemma and it causes many people a lot of frustration

The question is

Why do people procrastinate?

This could bring about a variety of answers and of course will be contextual to the individual coming to you for coaching and help. I will share my thoughts here and would love to hear your comments and for you to share your own experience on this subject.

Firstly I believe that procrastination goes somewhat deeper than we might first assume.

Why would people avoid doing what they often know would move them forward, create positive change and help shape their futures in transformational ways.

There could be number of reasons

Fear

Fear of being caught out, judged, reprimanded, told off for doing a bad job ,being anything less than perfect, being vulnerable and so much more.

Quite often these are childhood scripts and belief systems that have been picked up and added to in our own development.

Maybe a script of being perfect, don’t be seen or don’t be successful could be playing out which underlies the stuck feelings and procrastination.

Enjoyment

I think that people will generally (and this is a generalisation) spend time doing what they enjoy, what is easiest and what does not raise an emotional reaction from them.

Why would people spend time doing something they don’t want to and raises uncomfortable feelings? – whatever the reason.

Pay offs

When people don’t change and keep themselves where they are, what could they be gaining from this?

Although the behaviour / action or lack of action is not serving people on a conscious level it may well be serving them on a more subconscious platform.

They are possibly getting something from “not doing”

Sometimes people’s values are also beneath the surface or their procrastination.

For example you have a person – lets call him Mr Jones (keeping it simple) who knows that he would love to give a public speech on a topic close to his heart and in fact has the opportunity to do so.

A large audience would be there to see him, a guaranteed coverage from a well known tabloid and an opening of doors that would enhance his career and general financial state.

And yet Mr Jones leaves the preparation until the last minute, he does everything else that won’t help (watching catch up tv, going on the Internet, re arranging his furnishings, talking to his cat) and generally avoiding!

What he might be getting is a feeling of being safe, built into this is fear of “making a mistake” and being seen to “not be good at his job”.. That is far worse in his mind.

The end result is that Mr Jones avoids doing the necessary work involved or leaves it to the last minute – when the pressure is on …

The adrenaline is pumping and he is putting “himself” under pressure. It could also be a sense of control. The end result is not 100% tangible and can not yet be seen or felt.

Why would people trust in something that has no certain outcome? I believe that trust plays a large part in why people stop themselves moving forward.

Lack of trust in others, lack of trust in themselves.

After all who can they rely on?

I will also briefly introduce the self saboteur.

The person who will create drama and anguish for themselves , where in fact there is none.

I have often seen how people before a big event will stay up late, go out drinking, get tired, get unwell and will cancel at the last minute to avoid being seen or ….(fill in the gap)

There are many reasons why people procrastinate…I would like you to question your own motives and of course bring this into alignment to the clients you work with.

Get beneath procrastination not beaten by it. Do share your own stories and comments below.

Developing yourself as a coach

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With the merriment of Christmas now slowly sinking into by gone 2012 and with 2013 ripe around the corner I wanted to share something in the world of coaching that is close to my heart.

I believe that coaching is not just a skill set but also an art form that requires various approaches to be developed into a congruent, person centred and powerful transformational process.

When you learnt to be a “coach” you may have attended a life-coaching course, read books to help in asking questions and on the fundaments of coaching, watched videos and listened to podcasts on the ever increasing world of coaching and its applications and created your own learning in honing your skills as a coach.

To master a skill takes time but also a need exists for you to be on top of your own development.

Within a life coach-training course there is limited time to learn new models, skills and approaches that will need to be practiced out in the world and with clients.

There are a huge variety or approaches within the new world coach that encompasses areas from the worlds of therapy and personal development.

Coaching, as we know by now is not a simple goal setting approach using the out-dated GROW model but is a fluid fusion of skills and techniques that put the client at the very heart of the relationship.

Drawn from the worlds of Cognitive Behavioural coaching, Neuro Linguistic Programming, Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, Somatic coaching and existential theory the coaching tool kit has never been so full.

The challenge here for new coaches and old hat coaches alike is to continue to learn, keep their coaching tools clean and sharp and also remember what tools do which job.

This takes time, energy and practice.

I also believe that a high emotional intelligence is required in order to do the best job possible and part of this will be to get the correct and right amount of support for you as an individual helping others.

This could be to get a coach for your own goals and needs, enlist the help of a mentor within the field of coaching, gain professional development by attending courses, seminars and workshops.

I also advocate getting emotional support when needed to address deeper underlying concerns that will give you clarity on who you are and what you bring to clients in a fully focused and congruent way.

There are a myriad of books on coaching and self-development.

I encourage that you read up on new best practice, strive to keep reading and take what you want and leave the rest.

We can absorb only a small proportion of the huge amount of information that is given to us on a daily basis and through natural ways of filtering information it may not be possible to become a self help  / coaching guru but you will indeed resonate with key parts of books that have emotional meaning for you.

I would also say that no matter how good your skills as a coach are, you also (if required) need to learn about business.

It is fantastic to help people accomplish their dreams but maybe a self-enquiry as to the real reasons you want to do what you do is also useful (Maybe invest in some coaching too)

Have you thought about how much money you would like to make from your coaching?

The key to being a successful coach is to determine what success means to you and creating a vision and plan to obtain this.

Also, we don’t stop learning and with the world of coaching expanding constantly it is up to you to step into your fullest potential.

I wish you every success for 2013 and look forward to connecting with you and sharing more from the world of Transformational Coaching.

Reviewing the past

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After a busy weekend of coach training and coaching my own clients I wanted to share my thoughts on helping people look at their lives in more positive ways.

A large part of coaching is to ascertain from the client that we are working with what they would like to achieve as an end goal or outcome, which of course will be based on the future.

When people are not moving forward in their lives in the way they want to there can be a great deal of resistance based on the way that they view their past.

This can cover a multitude of areas that can include, limiting beliefs that have been adopted from parenting, culture, religion, experience, media and much more.

It can also include rules for living or scripts that have also been created early in childhood by parenting and other areas and also that get added to within our proceeding developmental stages of growing up.

Within various areas of personal development and certainly within some therapeutic settings there is a great deal of looking at the past and examining parental relationships that have impacted us, and the way we might live today.

This can be a lengthy process and can also feel at times that things are not changing but going round in circles without a clear end in sight.

I am not saying that this is not useful for some people but how do we also look at the past in a more positive light that can help us move forward to what we desire with more confidence and resilience?

Also and importantly how can we help our clients make sense of things and see themselves in a more positive light when according to them they cant move forward?

In my experience the following has been very useful to allow for this to happen.

  • Go into a session with a strong understanding that the client is not broken
  • Be aware that the client will come with their “version” of reality that may not be based on fact or reality
  • Don’t buy into their story but simply listen to their version of events
  • Keep an eye out for changes in physiology that can give an indication on their filters and map of the world
  • Listen intently to the clients language and words that can hold important clues to how they are seeing things with their own internal representations of events that could have been filtered by deleting information, distorting what has happened and generalising where they could be seeing things as negative and with a tinge of doom and gloom
  • Hold space that allows for them to speak without judgement from you
  • Know that you are not there to fix the client but rather allow for honest and open conversations
  • When the time is right do start to loosen up their maps with curiosity and use a simple and person centred approach in doing so
  • Ask purposeful questions that have meaning for the client and what they bring to you to work on and improve
  • Do not feel that you have to rush to an end result
  • Be clear, confident and concise and if needs be get out of your own way and allow the session to unfold
  • Keep things on track by checking in where you are within the session in relation to why they are there with you in the first place

The past can be a great place for when people have accomplished success however small it may seem for the client.

A good question to ask yourself is

Do I need to be more focused and task orientated or more exploratory with this client?

Above all do not be afraid for the past to surface when it needs to and keep it simple.

Fear and Strokes within coaching

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When you coach clients they will often have a feeling of being stuck within a coaching session. They may have been trying to change for some time and actually already know what they want to accomplish.

This can be a good starting point for a coaching conversation that can help people to get clear on what the change will mean to them and also what the impact could of this in bigger life terms.

When clients start to intrepidly step outside of their comfort zones or situations that are familiar to them this can be a time of uncertainty, which can bring up a host of thoughts and feelings that can also be overwhelming for people to deal with.

The interesting part of this is that people want change but this can bring about fear even if the change would lead people into a better place and more positive way to live.

Quite often clients will also come with black and white views on how things “should” be based on their filters of experience along with other thought biases such as ignoring the positive, scanning for what they fear, over thinking, fortune telling, mind reading and more. (These are based on Cognitive Behavioural coaching approaches)

Through these filters people can create a fear of change that could be grounded in past experience

The key words here are past experience.

It may not always be relevant to what is happening now and also not based on reality but rather a perception of it. It could be a feeling of I wont be able to cope with the change, as I am not equipped to deal with it either emotionally or intellectually.

This is where you can come in as a coach to explore with your client what the change would mean to them but also to help examine and explore on deeper levels where the resistance is that is stopping them taking steps into what they want.

Is it fear of something going wrong and not being able to cope? or is it that they will have to give up something that they are holding on to?

People like to feel that they exist. When we look at the ways people create this feeling of existence there is a very interesting part of coaching that brings into the mix transactional analysis and specifically strokes.

What is a stroke?

Based on TA pioneered by Eric Berne a stroke is an act of recognition of our significance.

Also to add to this it is the thing we spend much of our time unconsciously seeking.

They help us feel alive!

There are eight qualities within strokes.

  • Verbal and non verbal
  • Positive and negative
  • Conditional and non conditional
  • Self and others

A very interesting stroke is that of self. Imagine you have had a very stressful busy week, many appointments at work back to back; you have been pushed for time and chasing your tail to get things done – not just for you but also for others. Maybe not eating properly or adequately resting.

You have wanted to do more for yourself, relax more and give yourself time to wind down.

Because of this not being achieved you could berate yourself with negative self-talk – beat your self up metaphorically and give yourself a hard time for not putting yourself first and start to be judgemental on yourself through negative self talk.

This could be seen as a negative – verbal self-stroke.

Does this sound familiar?

This very dynamic can also be highlighted within coaching sessions where people are talking to themselves in negative ways that stop them moving forward in their life bur are gaining a feeling of although it is negative I know I exist. Which is better than being ignored and not seen.

Of course it could also be a host of other things such as limiting beliefs, counter injunctions and so much more.

The key to being a useful coach in this respect is to really understand the client’s perception of things and coach where it will have the most impact.

Understand the clients fear and what meaning they are giving it – how are they fuelling this and could there be another way for them to view the situation, one that is less negative and more empowering?

Above all it is about curiosity into the clients life and world rather than being and what isn’t working for them.

Next time you coach don’t rush into the solution but allow the client to say what is really happening and coach ahead from that.

Are you setting your own goals for 2013?

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How would you like to be living your life in 2013?  Do you feel you have choice in this?

It is an interesting self-enquiry question that can ascertain how you perceive yourself and your options.

When a goal setting approach is needed you as a coach will spend a lot of time and energy on helping other people to set goals and create action plans to achieve them.

However you know by now that transformational coaching isn’t this linear and you will use a range of approaches, theories and techniques to facilitate change with the clients you are working with.

One of the biggest issues and concerns with goal setting is that people don’t set goals but merely talk about what it is that they desire in a nebulous way.

Have you thought of what you personally want next year?

There is something to be said for saying this out loud.

Sometimes writing down in a brainstorming way could also be useful without being too formulaic in outcomes or it might be that you do set more structured goals and explore how these could be achieved.

You could do a spot of self-coaching but also how else could you get help to achieve what you want?

Do you have your own coach? I am not saying this is compulsory of course, as you will find what works.

I have worked with a number of coaches myself. Not in terms of coming up with a set and workable action plan but more to gain a different prospective and a greater sense of clarity on what is current in my life and what I would like more of.

I also have seen with clients how there may be a logical understanding of the change that needs to happen but for some reason this isn’t always enough to shift focus and get into action.

Life is a rich tapestry of different areas that mean something to us.

Whether this be love, relationships, fun, career, finances, spirituality, self-growth or other parts of life.

I also see that coaches are generally very good at helping others but sometimes not so great in helping themselves.

I would also like to bring in the idea that if you don’t change what it is that you “say” is not working in your life what is it that you are holding on to or getting from keeping things as they are?

If you were to change, what would you have to deal with or let go of? Whether this inappropriate belief systems, comfort zones or more.

How would this be useful?

I also encourage people to get the right support for themselves to help with transition when needed and depending on the magnitude of the change and impact that this could have in their lives.

Also and with conviction I encourage people to keep things simple.

If something isn’t serving you then change it, if you are not living in accordance with your values then do something about it.

We can come up with a million (or maybe just a few!) excuses why we cant change but if we shifted our attention on we could have instead this may well be a better way of viewing things.

I also (this will be another post) encourage you to start to formulate your own business plan for 2013 in terms of being a coach, change maker or practitioner in helping others to achieve success.

I look forward to staying in touch with you in 2013 and sharing more from the world of personal transformation coaching and hearing what has been working for you.

transformation and your own learning as a coach

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Today I would like to share my own thoughts and experience in learning and how to bring this to clients.

When people learn a new skill to help others I believe there is an element of transformation that will be two fold.

Transformation for the clients that come to you for coaching, and also transformation in your own life that can enrich what you do and who you are in exciting ways.

I can cast my mind back to many different training courses that I have been on where I have learnt new skills and tools that whilst I am in the learning domain on the day can be exciting and purposeful but become diluted and less impactful after the event.

Whilst adding to my skill sets in personal development and coaching is not a bad thing in itself I also feel that to have the most impact personally I need to on some level connect with the learning that has taken place and part of this will be a certain self enquiry in to my own cognition, feelings and emotions and proceeding actions and behaviours that have shifted in light in what I have learnt.

What is the most useful part of the new experience and how can this be appropriately brought into my own client practice when coaching?

I also see this, as a bit of a balancing act that I need to be aware of. Not to bring my own agenda to the client – coach session that could impact the coaching exchange in negative ways.

I like to see my own learning as a container of experience that can sit comfortably in my conscious awareness that does not need to be discussed in front of a client.

I am not the benchmark of my client’s experience. I am just an explorer in their world and when underpinned by curiosity and connection can alleviate my need to get it right and be perfect.

I also do not need to fix the client in anyway.

Coaching is a wonderful and elegant exchange of conversation that is best served with meaning with a side dish of purpose.

A smorgasbord of richness and experience in my client’s world that is fully person centred and congruent with a strong belief from me that the client I am working with is not broken.

If I deliver a solution or fix the clients “apparent” challenge, who is this about?

I am also not going to be black and white here in saying that there aren’t times that this could be useful as there could be a great deal of frustration felt by the client if I am coaching them into dead ends when a simple suggestion or a well framed amount of advice could help them move ahead and with greater clarity.

I see time and again how people on our Personal Transformation Coaching course have had heart felt shifts on meaning, experience and I have had feedback that I have “seen” myself clearly for the first time in my life.

The conditioning from parenting is being questioned, some of what people continually do with less than desirable results may start to change and also the need for validation and approval from clients will start to shift into one of trusting the process and not needing to get a feel good from my clients changes but rather a deeper routed acceptance of my capabilities as a transformational coach.

When you are out in the world creating change ask yourself what can I learn and how can this be useful to others.