I was thinking today about the next topic of my post and was sifting through my archived stories, client work and own experience to come up with something meaningful and poignant.
What struck me was commonalities between clients in what stops them moving forward.
Also in how they perceive themselves through internal filters which are often distorted and self-defeating.
In this post we will have a look at the topic of shame, as I see it in relation to coaching and the struggles that people will bring with them in these areas.
What is shame?
Shame underpins people’s lives in different degrees and at different times and can be powerful, toxic and destructive.
It can show up in many different guises and more often than not can be a catalyst for behaviour that has negative results and this in itself can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle. Especially when we look at compulsive behaviours and addictions, which clearly highlights the shame cycle.
People will initially ‘act” out on there feelings of low self worth to somehow make themselves feel better. They reach outside of themselves to change how they feel.
The key here is that in its initial stages of this cycle there is a positive intention for dealing with uncomfortable feelings, anxiety, stress and much more. The cycle takes on a different form when the negative consequences outweigh the positive intent. This is also the cycle of addiction in its purest form.
The key energy and emotion for people that I have worked with in these areas is that of shame.
Shame is a self-statement of I am not good enough. I am a bad person.
It is self-judgement based on feelings of low self worth and added to by how people behave, what they do and how they view their own dysfunctions.
This notion of self-judgement can feed on itself and before long people can be (in my experience) racked with feelings of shame that can have a powerful effect in their lives.
It can cause great distress and feed into other emotions such as anxiety and depression.
Within addictions it represents itself in the pattern but shame is not exclusive to this area.
It can also show up in isolated incidents that tap into peoples deep-rooted feelings of being less than or being exposed.
The challenge here can be uncovering the shame.
A bit like a monster hiding in the dark. There may be fear of exposing it. It could have devastating consequences for the person involved. This can be fear based and also not grounded in truth but a perception of it.
The core way that we can help people in dealing with these feelings and emotions is allowing them to talk about what is concerning them in a supportive, encouraging, safe and structured environment that the coaching session creates.
The very nature of opening up allows people to cut through binds of shame and also exposes the monster in the dark.
Once we allow people to talk about what they do, how they do it and also how they view themselves in this regard it can have a diffusing effect on shame.
The fact that they have been able to share what they really want to without judgement from you is a starting point for allowing people to move ahead with renewed confidence. A leap of faith may be required!
Even if the journey is paved with challenge and unexpected experiences along the way. You will be helping your clients to break down the walls of shame.
Not by fixing them or providing a solution but by allowing them to be themselves in any given moment without fearing reprimand.
Trust yourself and be ok with your client not being. This can have powerful results and create transformation.
